My Life So Screwed Up
This entry suppose to be hidden... I hide it coz I dun want her to read it... so since now she dun know the new blog add and blog password... even she knows, i doubt she'll check... so yup... here it is
I had decided to let her go... Haha... Happy? dunno! Sad? dunno oso!
I had hurt my right shoulder, my right back, and my left leg abit weird weird feeling... But damn! I have to keep it to myself... I still dunno why? The moment I flew out of my seat, I no longer think of Vanessa... She dun really holds a important position in my heart liao... I think of myself first... My LEG!!! ARGGGHHH!!! *flew out and roll on ground*
When I got up, I know it's my fault, I didn't blame the perdestian that hit me... I chiong amber light! K Kian! Then next, I think of my bike (Xiao Lao Po!!!) Poor thing... she's hurt! All my fault! damn! First time since I just started riding, I k kian, accident happen immediately...
Then Vanessa came into the picture, but... this time round, I refuse to "report" to her... there's not a need to report to her... Then I limp my way off, with a painful back and painful right shoulder... Haiz~ Went to the busstop, fix the bike abit, else cannot move at all... have to pull it on 1 wheel... then SLOWLY SLOWLY cycle back home... along the way, I think of who can I share this with... none came into my mind... I'm so lost, so lonely, so... hopeless... I cried on broad daylight, I laugh oso... I dunno am I laughing or am I crying... so... scared... not those kind of scared when I was in a fight or was in a quarrel... The scared feeling is kind of empty oso... dunno how to say... so... lost... that's the best I can say...
Felt after living for 19 years, when I'm about to cry my heart out, but I just can't find anyone to cry it out... so saded... I have to hide it... I have no choice... Then cycle, cycle, thinking of her again... really really thou that I dun suit her at all liao... coz... I'm... too... wild for her... I cannot tah han coldness days... I just can't take it... I'll go crazy and depress if that's the case! I'm sure of it! not only wild... I can say unstable for her... not that I'm a guy that change my heart easily... but I dun have a stable life... I enjoy freedom... althou she never control over my freedom, but when I'm on courtship with her... I tend to gave her most of my time... when she's free, I'll definately throw all my things aside first, and look for her first... that's over-concern... And I like it and dun like it that way...
Up till now, althou I told xueyu, I had made up my mind... but... still... I she bu de to end this relationship just like that... I really hope I can think of a better solution... but... come to the end of the day, I know I'm not her Mr. Right! The type of guy she needs, is just not my type of guy... I can only be her dream, her temporarily beautiful and romantic lover... but not her Mr. Right!
She's a nice girl that I doubt I'll find a second 1... but I oso know she's not my Mrs. Right! She just didn't get into the same frequency as I'm... and I'm always not on the same frequency of her... Both of us do have a click on emotions and principal of life but not on the thinkng... At the end of 5 years, she's definately be a higher qualification woman than I'm... might even be a more capable person than I'm... might even be a more successful person than I'm... The only reason for me to win her, not that she dun success... but I have to be even more successful... which I dun want to stress on myself...
take it as I'm selfish... I dun want that kind of useless stress on myself... I dun want to stress myself on this relationship... I know how stressful it can be when she's giving me cold war... I know, if I continue on with the relationship, propose to her... I'll have headache at least twice a month... I dun want my life to be that miserable...
Screwed up? please lor... since that day, my feeling is like shan sah (spread sand) I dunno where to start what to do lor... I have a hugh number of task overdue liao... yet my heart and mind is still on the thinking issue of me and her... Orientation! Engineering Week! Publicity Key! Notice Board! Christmas! Still got... erm... Genting trip! Malaysia Outing! RCY stuff! hai~ I never wanted to be the president of ATOMIC! THAT SUX! I lost alot of friends along the way... like what happened 4 years ago... just that, this time I faced the problem rather than to choose to ignore it...
My life this year, seems to be... Unlucky, yet got tao hua yun! hai... tao hua yun now ended as tao hua jie! hai~ I guess... I can only said... we meet too early... If we met 5 years down the road, I believe we can be happier!
Waiting! wait for her... wait to break the news to her tomolo... wait for her... maybe for the next 5 years... who knows? maybe I will... *silly* but... I really dun think I'll change my heart that easily...
B0mb3r screamed @ 9:04 PM